when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
