What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
