having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
