our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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