i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
