i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
