fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
