Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Green mimosas i think yes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
