Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
