did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
