In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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