happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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