So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need a beard to bite.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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