u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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