Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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