Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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