If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
