This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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