Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
