You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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