how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
