Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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