she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
