Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
