How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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