Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
