Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
