I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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