Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
