how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
