I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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