I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
