Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
