Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
