Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
