I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
