Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
