Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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