between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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