my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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