ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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