The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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