why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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