bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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