I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ketchup is God's man juice
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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