So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
