Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
