Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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