No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Come see our sink grown plant.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
