anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
