: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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