even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
